


Exclusive

by moodwriter



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 09:14:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8706538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodwriter/pseuds/moodwriter
Summary: Jensen wants to move out, just like he said in Asylum 3. Why is that, and how does Jared react?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

**Exclusive**

 

 

”Are you sure?” Jared asks, hurt hidden behind his smile. 

 

Jensen has no idea why it should be a big deal. Jared is over Sandy. Everything is fine now. Why should he stay? “I’ve found a place,” he finally says, watching Jared lie there on _his_ bed, hands behind his head, supposedly relaxed, yet not. 

 

Jared looks at him, green-brown eyes fixed somewhere around Jensen’s chin as though shying away from his stare. “Really? Two days of filming behind and you’ve already found it.” It’s an accusation. Of course it is. Jared is hurt, and Jensen has no idea why. He’s not leaving Jared. He’s not going anywhere. The apartment is close. They can hang out everyday. 

 

Jensen sits down on the edge of his bed, pulling one knee against his body, hugging it. He feels cold somehow. “Jared…” Words fail him. What could he say? That he’s sorry? 

 

“I know. I’m being ridiculous.” Jared's laugh sounds so wrong in the otherwise silent room. “I’ve gotten used to you. This place, this city, this house… just too big without you.” 

 

It’s somehow too honest, and Jensen can’t take it. It's clear that Jared would feel lonely without him living in this house, this room. “I’m not…” Yeah, no words. 

 

“The dogs will miss you,” Jared says, looking directly at Jensen for the first time since the conversation started. 

 

Jensen smiles. It’s so like Jared to use his dogs against him. “I’m going to visit them everyday.” 

 

“Then what’s the point of moving out?” Jared asks. “And don’t say because you want a bigger dog, that’s just a lame excuse.” 

 

There’s no way to make Jared understand. Maybe because he doesn’t really have a reason, just a vague feeling of needing something else, a change. 

 

They can’t live together forever. 

 

Jared sighs. “You know, do what you want. The door is open, you can leave.” 

 

“It’s my room,” Jensen says without thinking and regrets it immediately. Jared jerks up, standing before Jensen can stop him.

 

He grabs Jared’s wrist quickly. “Don’t.” 

 

Jared’s stare is stern and so unlike him that Jensen almost lets go, almost. 

 

“This is stupid,” Jared finally tells him. “I shouldn’t… Jensen, you have the right to move out. I don’t own you.” 

 

Maybe if Jared wasn’t so God damn honest all the time this would be a lot easier. Maybe then he could just wipe the slate clean and forget how everything always slips into its rightful place when they are together, how there’s never anything wrong or odd about his world when… Jensen shakes his head, pushing the thoughts out of his mind. 

 

It hurts. 

 

“Why do you want me to stay?” Jensen asks even though he tries not to. 

 

Jared watches Jensen’s fingers curled around his wrist, and Jensen feels hot all of a sudden, a blush burning his neck and cheeks. He wants to let go. 

 

“Why? Because it’s nice, because I enjoy your company, because it’s tiring to live here without friends and family, because I want to go through the lines with you, sitting at the kitchen table or lying on your bed, because… D’you want me to continue?” He sounds tired, black circles under his eyes. The first days back on set are always the worst. It’s hard to get back to the rhythm. 

 

Words avoid him like the plague. He needs a script for real life too, it seems. 

 

“Do I annoy you so much?” It takes Jensen a moment to realize that Jared has spoken because he’s still trying to come up with something useful to say. It’s an insane thing to even consider, and Jared should know that. 

 

“Don’t be stupid,” he says, sounding just right, questioning Jared’s insecurity to the very root. 

 

Jared relaxes; Jensen can feel it through the touch even though nothing changes in his posture. "Then why?" Jared asks, staring at his bare feet. 

 

It makes Jensen angry, the way he can't explain anything - and Jared's inability to understand him makes it even worse. It shouldn't be like this. It should have never been like this. He finally lets go of Jared's wrist, feeling a little bit lost without the connection. "I want my own space. Is that too much to ask?" 

 

Jared flinches; Jensen can see it even though Jared tries to hide it. He's good, but not that good. Jensen has eyes for those small things. 

 

"No." It's a mere whisper. "I'm sorry. Of course it isn't. I shouldn't... You're right." Jared tries to leave again, but Jensen is on his feet and grabbing Jared's arm before either of them has the time to realize what is happening. 

 

"I can't stay." Maybe he just has to spill his guts. "I adore you, you know that, but I can't do this anymore." 

 

The room seems smaller somehow, Jared towering over him, breathing steadily, quietly, his eyes sharp and clear. The curve of his mouth is strange, so unlike Jared, and it's painfully clear that Jensen has hurt him. 

 

"You need to spell it out for me, Jensen." Even his words are alien, distant and just a little cruel. Jensen feels like he's standing on thin ice, too afraid to move a muscle. 

 

He looks at Jared, tries to see something familiar in his eyes, a part of the small world they've created together over the years, but there's nothing. Jared has closed down. "I... Please." 

 

"No, you tell me. I'm not going to guess. Or you can just let me leave." 

 

He could. It would be easier. They would bury it, and it would only hurt for a little while. "It feels like home," he says instead.

 

Jared doesn't react in any way. He just stands there, staring at Jensen, chest rising with each intake of breath. 

 

"I'm comfortable here like I've never been anywhere else. I can be me. I can tell you to piss off if I feel like it. I can breathe freely. This is good in all the levels of comfortable. We can't live like this always." 

 

"Why not?" 

 

It surprises him completely, leaving him breathless and a little shaken, too. "Because... we're not together." It feels like a duh-moment, and Jensen lets it show on his face. 

 

Jared looks bemused. "Together? Oh... I didn't mean that." It's the first time in a very long time Jensen has seen Jared blush. It's incredibly disarming. 

 

"What did you mean then?" 

 

"I can't... Together? Why did you put that thought into my head?" Jared is laughing all of a sudden, throwing his head back, his whole face open, eyes sparkling. "Oh God... I meant, why not buy a house in LA, too, when we finally get there. I've read about people who do that, live with their best friends. They have their own families and their own lives, but they just want to... I don't know. I like this. Why should it end?" 

 

"I'd like to see your mom's face when you try explaining that to her." 

 

"Ha-ha... But tell me one good reason why it wouldn't work?" Jared sounds sincere, and Jensen doesn't really know how to respond. He can't just say: _Because I'm happy with you._ Jared wouldn't understand. 

 

He chooses a different route. "What about your wife-to-be? How would she feel about the arrangement?" 

 

It's easy to see that Jared hasn't thought about that at all. Jensen grins despite himself. 

 

"I'll just marry someone who loves you almost as much as I do," Jared says matter-of-factly after a moment's thought. 

 

Jensen almost chokes on his tongue. _That's his brilliant solution?_

 

But Jared isn't finished. "You're over-thinking this. We're here now. We'll be here for at least another year, maybe even longer. Why change anything now - unless you really want to get rid of me?" 

 

Jensen hits Jared in the arm. "I already told you, it's not that. I just don't want to get too attached. I'll miss it too much when it ends." 

 

"When it ends..." Jared repeats, looking at his hands, the wall, his feet, anything but Jensen. "Why d'you want it to end?" 

 

"I don't." 

 

"You're the one who's talking about leaving." 

 

Jensen sighs. It's not working. It's never going to work. Jared is not going to listen. "I don't want to share." That's as much as he's going to say. He walks out of the room before his words sink in. He doesn't care. He said it; he spelled it out. 

 

He doesn't care. 

 

He takes Sadie with him as he goes out, somehow still making sure that Jared knows that he's coming back. He walks without seeing anything, thinks without really thinking at all, trying desperately to gather together the scattered parts of his mind. 

 

He actually said it. 

 

When he returns _home_ , Harley jumps at him, jealous of the attention Sadie has received. The dogs will miss him, just like Jared said. He will miss them, too. 

 

He goes to the kitchen, gets something to drink, since the day is warmer than usual and the sun has licked his skin with hot, persistent rays, almost giving him a headache. He leans against the counter, not thinking, his T-shirt clinging to his skin. 

 

A shower would be nice. 

 

He needs a change of clothes, and he probably left his towel in his room, too, but somehow he knows that Jared is still there, still frozen, still mulling over the words. Or maybe he just wishes that Jared is confused and not at all sure. 

 

Jensen takes a few tentative steps toward his room and then stops, his breath too shallow and his hands shaking when he runs them through his hair. It would be so much easier to just leave now and never come back. 

 

It takes him five more minutes before he can walk to the door and open it. Jared is standing where he left him, and Jensen doesn't know if he should feel relieved or annoyed. 

 

"What do you mean by sharing?" Jared asks, like Jensen hasn't been gone for over twenty minutes. Apparently he can be very patient. 

 

Jensen just walks in and goes to rummage through his closet, trying to find clean underwear, socks, T-shirt, anything. He doesn't want to look Jared in the eye, doesn't want to talk about stupid feelings and wanting things to last forever. He wanted to move out before this talk. 

 

He can see that now. 

 

Jared doesn't move closer, but he doesn't have to. He can dominate the whole room, demand attention just by standing there, looking at Jensen. He makes it impossible for Jensen to ignore him, so he turns around, sees that Jared has folded his arms against his chest, a protective gesture he rarely uses, especially in Jensen’s company. 

 

"Which part would you like to know?" he then asks, the words bitter on his tongue. "How fucking awful it is to see you kissing someone else? Or how much I hate imagining what you did this summer with Genevieve? What part of sharing don't you understand? Do you need me to spell this out, too?" He knows he's not being fair. He knows and doesn't care. He's kept it hidden. He's smiled and laughed, and he's been the best fucking friend in the whole wide world. He's not going to watch Jared marrying someone else while living close by, living in the same fucking house with the dogs and the peeling wallpaper and the huge fucking TV that neither of them has enough time to watch anyway. He's not going to do that. Not now and not ever. Not anymore. 

 

He takes some clothes out of the closet, not caring what they are, grabs his towel from the armrest of his reading chair, and walks back to the door. "I'm moving out tomorrow," he says, his tone leaving no room for arguing. 

 

Once he gets into the shower, he starts shaking. He rests his hands against the tiles, water running down his chest and back, soothing, but not soothing enough. He tries to hold it back, tries to swallow a couple of times, but his breakfast doesn’t want to stay in and he quickly steps out of the shower. He kneels beside the toilet bowl, letting it all out, trying to be as quiet as possible because he doesn’t want to worry Jared. 

 

He finishes his shower, brushes his teeth, shaves, dries himself, gets dressed and when there’s nothing else to do, he just stands there, unwilling to leave the bathroom. He can’t stay there forever, just like he can’t stay in this house forever, either.

 

When he finally pushes the door open, Jared is waiting for him in the hall, leaning against the wall. “You know I’d do anything for you,” he says. 

 

“I know.” 

 

Jared sighs. “I can’t do this.” 

 

 _He knows._ It doesn’t make it any easier. “Figured.” 

 

They are in a complete standstill, and Jensen has no idea how to proceed from there. He tries anyway. “You understand now why I want to move out?” It’s ridiculous to ask such a question, but maybe he wants to rub it in a bit. He knows that this will change things; he’s been in a similar situation before. 

 

Jared nods. He’s awfully quiet, considering he usually talks a mile a minute. Jensen wonders if things have already changed. 

 

He scratches the back of his head, trying to hide the fact that he’s terrified of the idea that he might lose Jared. It’s probably written all over his face, because Jared moves, takes a few long strides, and hugs Jensen, holds him so hard it’s difficult to breathe. “I’m not going anywhere, idiot.” 

 

Jensen realizes just then how high-strung he’s been for the last hour or so. Jared’s closeness makes him aware of all the tense and angular parts of his body, his neck so stiff he can’t seem to turn his head anymore. He breathes against Jared’s shoulder, trying very hard not to think how good it feels, but he has to unclench his fist anyway, has to hug Jared back with all his strength, because... it’s Jared. 

 

He pulls back first, even though he doesn’t want to. He just knows that Jared won’t do it. “Thank you,” he simply says, not quite letting go yet. 

 

“I still don’t want you to move out." 

 

Jensen lifts his gaze, staring at Jared intently, catching the odd look in his eyes before Jared veils it. _What is he offering?_ He's suddenly very aware of their proximity, and he takes a step back, releasing his hold on Jared's arms. It's going to be so difficult from now on. "I can't stay." 

 

"You sure?" Jared sounds like he's trying to hold back the begging tone, but he fails, his puppy-dog eyes unable to hide what he really feels. 

 

He's afraid, too. 

 

"Yeah," Jensen croaks with his sandpaper throat. 

 

It takes them four hours to pack all Jensen's stuff into the cardboard boxes Jared has picked up from a nearby store. They don't talk much, but they exchange glances every now and then, lingering in each other's personal space, as though trying to hold on to what they know and what might change over the next few months. 

 

After packing, they play games, take the dogs for a walk, make dinner, and all the while Jensen misses something. As he lays on his bed for the night, he finally realizes what it is: Jared hasn't laughed once since their conversation in the hall. It breaks his heart, fear gripping him so painfully he can't fall asleep, not until the sky turns faint red. 

 

The next two weeks roll by quickly, both of them so caught up in work that they don't seem to even remember that something has changed. They run their lines, they complain about the early mornings, they eat their lunch in each other's trailers, they are Sam and Dean, the Winchester brothers who try so very hard to find a common ground again. It's simple. It's Jared and Jensen. They've always been close, and nothing can change that. 

 

It's the little things that finally start to cripple Jensen from the inside. How he's not going home with Jared. How he's now making breakfast for himself only. How he watches a late night movie and almost comments something aloud, only to realize that Jared isn't there. How Sadie doesn't climb into his lap when he sits on the sofa or tail behind him when he goes to his bedroom. How the apartment is so freaking small he almost drives himself crazy trying to fit in. How there's no one to get pissed at, no one to beat in Halo, no one to play the guitar with. Yeah, sure, he can hang out at Jared's place. He can visit - but it's not the same. 

 

It affects his work, too, and nothing has ever been able to do that before. Nobody else has noticed it yet but Jared. He's a second too slow, an inch too much to the left, his eyes a bit too clouded. 

 

He needs to get his head examined. 

 

Jared follows him to his trailer after the last scene of that day. He just wants to get a shower, wants to wash Dean away, needs to be alone, but Jared won't let him. Once inside, Jared locks the door behind him, leans against it, crossing his arms, and just stares, not saying a word. 

 

"What do you want?" Jensen asks, tired to the edge of his mind, his game so off it exhausts him completely before the day is even halfway through. Now he's barely hanging in there, and Jared is pushing it, not letting go, not backing down. 

 

It's the first time in years he wants to take a swing at Jared. 

 

A determined look in his eyes, Jared pushes himself away from the door and then moves slowly toward Jensen, Sam's thin T-shirt stretching over his broad chest, his arms flexing and relaxing with each step he takes. 

 

Jensen gets an irrational urge to flee although he's pretty sure Jared is not there to harm him. He stands very still, waiting, controlling his breathing. 

 

To his utter surprise Jared doesn't stop when he reaches Jensen. Instead he rams forward, pushing Jensen against the fridge, grabbing his jacket with one fist and crushing his mouth against Jensen's. 

 

He's so hard in an instant, it fucking hurts. 

 

He snarls, shoving Jared away. Jared stumbles, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, eyes gleaming. Before Jensen can say, "What the fuck?" Jared is already there, invading his personal space, quickly capturing Jensen's wrists when he tries to attack, and biting Jensen's lower lip so hard he almost draws blood. The kiss is harsh, demanding and punishing, and so fucking hot Jensen's knees buckle. Jared uses his greater strength to keep Jensen pinned against the fridge, his hands owning Jensen's body, pulling and pushing the jacket off, almost ripping his T-shirt. 

 

Jensen fights back, because he doesn't want Jared to do this, because it's not real, because it's fucking Jared who loves everyone and who wants to give everything away, who doesn't know that it would never be enough. He takes that swing, lands a blow, but Jared isn't giving up. It's the one time Jensen wishes he was taller, bigger, stronger. 

 

There's not enough air to form any kind of words, and even if there was it wouldn’t do him any good now. He stops thinking when Jared grinds against him, biting his neck, panting close to his ear. 

 

Jared’s long fingers find his belt buckle, and Jensen gasps, tilting his head back, exposing his throat to Jared’s teeth and tongue. There’s still a part of his brain that tries to stop it, takes hold of Jared’s hands, but when Jared kisses him again, soft and wet and promising, he lets go, lets Jared pull the buckle open, lets him push the jeans down his hips. And suddenly, Jared is kneeling, mouthing him through his boxers, so warm Jensen’s vision blurs. 

 

“Oh God,” he breaths out, barely able to stand. 

 

Strong hands hold him still, press him against the fridge, unyielding. Jensen doesn’t care, because his only coherent thoughts consist of _oh fuck … there … please_. He whimpers, biting the side of his hand to keep the sounds in, but Jared is relentless, his mouth driving Jensen over the brink of sanity, and he shakes, tries not to fall apart. 

 

He cries out when Jared takes him into his mouth completely, his tongue almost too soft, too warm against the underside of Jensen’s cock. Jared moves slowly, sucking, still preventing Jensen from thrusting forward, his nails digging into Jensen’s sides, leaving marks. 

 

Jensen can’t take it for long. He grabs the back of Jared’s head with his left hand, and lets his right hand tangle in Jared’s long hair, holds on, encouraging but not pushing. He knows, even in this state of mind he knows that he can’t, not now. 

 

He warns Jared, somehow, at least he tries, only faintly noting that Jared actually swallows. 

 

He’s a complete mess when he finally comes around, eyes hazy and body so weak he's amazed he's not lying on the floor. He's sitting next to Jared, legs crossed, still holding Jared's head. 

 

Jared’s eyes are downcast, and he’s breathing hard, his lips swollen and red. Jensen wants to kiss him, wants to taste himself on those lips, but he hesitates. He doesn’t know why Jared has done this, why they are sitting on the floor of his trailer, his pants still open, their faces flushed. 

 

“Jared?” He moves his hand, lets it slide down Jared's chin, forcing Jared to lift his gaze. 

 

"It got stuck in my throat," Jared says, smiling ruefully. "I'm not swallowing ever again." 

 

It's possible Jensen has never loved any sight as much as he loves this one. He pulls Jared into a kiss, the kind that should tell him just how real this is to Jensen. He takes his time, exploring Jared's mouth, learning to know how it feels against his own and just what makes Jared lose a bit of the control he has over himself. When he finds that, he pulls away, looking at Jared, knowing that he lets it show, knowing that Jared can read it in his eyes. _I love you._

 

At that moment, he doesn't care why Jared did it, why they are here now, he just wants to give it away, wants Jared to have it, to keep it, no matter what he can give in return. 

 

"You think too highly of me, Jensen," Jared says after a while, still smiling. "I'm not that good." 

 

He wants to play dumb and ask what Jared means, but he has a pretty good idea. He lets Jared continue without interrupting, because there's obviously something Jared wants to tell him. 

 

"I've been thinking. I've been calling people. I've had a lot of time, because I haven't been sleeping that much." He pauses when Jensen frowns. "I know you haven't either so don't look so damn concerned. We've been in the same boat these past weeks. I know you." 

 

Jensen only smiles, pulling Jared's forehead against his own briefly before letting Jared continue again. 

 

"I've been thinking about us, how all this is going to work. I have no idea how. I don't know anything except this: life sucks without you. If you don't want to share me with anyone... if that's what it takes to have you in my life always, then that's what you'll get." 

 

Jensen stops breathing. There's nothing he can say or do. He just stares. 

 

"Say something." 

 

"You're not gay," Jensen blurts out and then ducks his head, embarrassed. 

 

"I did a pretty damn gay thing there, didn't I?" Jared's voice is full of laughter and Jensen is guessing he's smiling again, but he just can't look. _God, Jared will drive him crazy one day._ "Besides, I thought about this, too. It didn't feel unappealing. I don't think you could feel unappealing to anyone." 

 

The low chuckle makes Jensen look up. He loves that sound, loves the way it resonates with something that resides deep inside him. There's something in Jared's eyes he hasn't seen before, something solid and strong. 

 

"Hey." Jared touches the side of his face with an open palm. "I'm not here because you're my best friend. I'm here because I don't want to be anywhere else." 

 

"You sure?" 

 

Jared nods. "Yeah, I'm sure. I don't think I've ever been this sure about anything. I've spent more time with you than most people spend with their spouses. I've lived with you, I've worked with you, I've been in crazy dangerous situations with you, and do you know what never changes?" 

 

"No." He tries not to sound too breathless. 

 

"It's as easy to be with you as it is to be by myself. I feel completely at ease. I've never had that with anyone else before." 

 

Jensen has no idea how to respond to that. He didn't expect Jared to be so sure, so ready. Hell, he didn't expect Jared to assault him in that manner, either. Jared is full of surprises today, it seems. 

 

After a moment's silence, Jared tilts his head to the side, a playful expression on his face. " _And_ I have to admit it was very hot that you fought back. I can actually manhandle you. That's just great." The smirk that spreads on his face can only be described as debauched. 

 

Jensen loves him for it. 

 

Jared stares at him for a few seconds, clearly trying to restrain himself from jumping Jensen. There’s still something he wants to say and he sobers, pulling Jensen into a hug, the angle of their bodies a bit awkward, but Jensen doesn't mind. It feels so good. "Come home with me," Jared whispers against his neck, voice raw with emotion. "Please." 

 

His heart jumps to his throat, and for a little while he can't say a word, he just holds on, shaking a little. He can't quite wrap his mind around the fact that Jared is offering him everything. It feels like a dream. It’s obvious to Jensen that Jared needs his answer, needs to hear it loud and clear, because it’s something unsolved between them. “Okay,” he says, leaning even closer if possible, his fingers caressing Jared’s neck and ear. “Okay.”

 

 

**THE END**

 

 

 **A/N:** For some odd reason I love to write these two. They are so good to each other and they always behave nicely. Usually my characters are very difficult and don't want to do what I want them to do. Jared tried very hard to be straight in this story, but he surprised me completely in the end. ^_^ 

 

I would also like to thank my wonderful and lovely beta, [One_of_J4](http://www.sinful-desire.org/archive/viewuser.php?uid=1836). She's ever patient with me. Beta-changes have been added.


End file.
